Learning My Limits

I recently had a "Parenting-Sure-Can-Be-Hard" kind of day, also known as "AHHHHHHHHHH!"

We were in southern California for a work event and that meant I got to spend a lot of quality time with Ellie.  It's always a task to figure out where to put the pack 'n play in the hotel room. We had her tucked in a nice corner hidden from view, but on this particular Sunday afternoon she was not into napping. She was into pulling up her mattress and hiding her doll and blanket underneath. And talking and jumping and laughing and playing. And not letting mommy sleep.

This was an afternoon after two long days of walking around and being on my feet, and the first time I have really started feeling super exhausted and sore during this pregnancy. All I wanted to do was take a nap. I was desperate for a nap and silence and Ellie wasn't cooperating with my need for either.

After almost two hours of repeatedly putting the mattress back in place and laying her down again, my patience was thin. At home I would have left her alone but I was worried she'd put a hole in the thin nylon underneath the mattress. I was tired beyond tired, frustrated and cranky. It was 97 degrees outside and hot. Michael was working and not getting back until after dinner and Ellie's bedtime. I was the sole parent.

I wanted to cry I was so tired. That "so exhausted I can't think straight" state of mind. My little girl was laughing and playing and thinking it was all a fun game and I was afraid my impatience would somehow make me lash out. I had a vision of those parents that are so tired or frustrated they start shaking their kids into submission, or even just irrationally yelling or raising their voice. No, I didn't want to harm my baby (I won't even spank or pinch or hit for discipline), but it made me be VERY aware of my own human impulses and limits. I'm learning it's healthy for me to acknowledge when I've reached my patience limit and to walk away, or to let Michael take over if he's around, so that I can regroup.

I made the decision to give up nap time yet still do something to have some "me" time: walk to Starbucks and get myself an iced white mocha. Then we'd return and I would take Ellie to the outdoor pool to swim.

The closest Starbucks was only a few long blocks away but I earned that iced mocha walking in the near-triple digit heat (I was guzzling lots of water too). It helped me to clear my head and the stroller always calms Ellie.

When we were literally right outside the pool entrance Ellie fell asleep. I changed plans again, went upstairs to our room and transferred her to her crib where she got an hour nap and I got to relax. Of course she would finally sleep after I had coffee and no longer felt like napping myself, but I'm not complaining. It was glorious downtime and I soaked up every minute.

We went to the pool and then walked to a nearby restaurant for dinner. Dinner was a continuation of the hyper, playful girl who wanted nothing to do with food and was very distracted. (Seriously, where did this feisty toddler come from?) I did my best to enjoy my dinner and to cherish my mommy/daughter time, ignoring the chaos and mess at our table.

My hyper girl at dinner.

By the time Ellie got to bed that night I had recalibrated. The day held a few important lessons for me, including acknowledging my own limits and being OK with letting Ellie skip her nap when it is better for both of us. 

Flexibility. Limits. Patience. Appreciating Time With My Daughter.

I know being a parent of two will require me to pursue these things in the midst of chaos, exhaustion, and an uncooperative toddler. These are good lessons for me to learn as life continues to get more interesting every day.

A Toddler Bed: Endings and Beginnings

Several streets around our house have annual yard sales in the spring that are sometimes blocks long. Tonight we went on a walk after dinner along one of these streets. We've never walked down one of these streets the night before a sale and we were surprised how many houses were already set up and had customers.

A few weeks ago at one of these sales we almost bought a toddler bed but have been unsure when to transition Ellie out of her crib. Tonight we walked by the perfect little toddler bed. And only $20! We were thrilled! Ellie climbed right up onto it and sat against the headboard, beaming from ear to ear. (And seriously, 20 bucks?!?!) There were two plush teddy bears sitting on the bed and Ellie scooped one right up and tucked it under her arm.

I almost didn't recognize her. There she was, my little baby, sitting on a big girl bed. It's freeze-framed in my mind, the look of joy on her face as she sat there so proud and excited, seeming so old and grown-up.

We peeled Ellie away from her new bed and she burst into tears. A girl stood next to her mom and handed Ellie the teddy bear she'd been snuggling with. "Here, she can have this for free." It was very sweet and the whole family was kind and friendly.

We were a few blocks from home and didn't have any cash with us. The woman agreed to let us go home and get money and our car and return. She moved the bed to the back of her yard, out of the way. I told her we lived around the corner and would be back in just a "few minutes."

We hurried home, which was further than "just around the corner." Michael left in the car and had to stop by the store to get cash. I put Ellie down to sleep in her crib, thinking about how surreal it felt to have my baby growing up. I was already rearranging her room in my mind to make room for the toddler bed.

Michael returned and walked in the door, empty-handed. "She sold it."  

What?

"She wasn't sure if we were coming back so she sold it to someone else."

I don't understand. How clear could we have been that we wanted it? Granted, we weren't just a "few minutes" but it had been 30, maybe 45 minutes at the most. Was she really so desperate to sell a $20 bed in a sale that hadn't even officially started that she couldn't wait for us to come back?  She even gave her a free teddy bear. Seriously?!?

"Is there any decency left in humanity?" This was Michael's response. We were both a bit surprised by the emotional let-down we had. I felt like I could cry and got a tiny lump in my throat. It's incredible how disappointed I could be about something that was non-existent an hour earlier. And why?

There was something about seeing my baby girl sit on that bed that made me suddenly sentimental. As she climbed up onto that bed we literally and unexpectedly watched our baby transition into a little girl before our eyes.

And just as suddenly, the piece of furniture that symbolized endings and beginnings was gone, at least for now.

I guess she won't be moving to a toddler bed quite yet. I have a bit more time with my precious little one before she sheds the last traces of babyhood. I'm in no rush. In about five weeks she will no longer be my baby and she will be forced to take on the role of "big sister." And the transitions will continue.

Three Mother's Days Of Joy

Mother's Day is a blessing to me with such a sweet girl in my life. Every year I find myself thinking about my friends and family who have lost children, as well as those who want to be a mother but for some reason aren't. This day is often hard for them, and it was only a few years ago that I dreaded Mother's Day, unsure how to celebrate others when I myself ached to be a mother. This is my second Mother's Day with Ellie, third if you count being pregnant with her. I had such a great day with my little family. We took pictures in the same spot as last year in our front yard. We had to include one with Baby Sister:

We had a super yummy brunch at one of our favorite places in town. Then we headed to the outdoor mall where Ellie played and we had smoothies, "enjoying" the 97 degree weather.

Next, we went to a place where Ellie and Michael made me a mug for Mother's Day. Not only did Ellie do a great job painting, she was also super patient for the two hours we were there, coloring and drawing and just hanging out well past her nap time.

One thing we know about Ellie is she's never been a fan of paint on her hands. I've tried numerous projects where I paint her hand or dip her hand in cement, and every time she knows what's coming and starts crying before the process even starts. She doesn't like to have "stuff" on her hands. I was a little worried about how she would react today but wanted her hand print on my mug. She did well, I think because a stranger was there to help.

Although, by the end of the process she looked at daddy and wasn't too happy anymore:

We won a drawing while we were there and won two more little tea cups, so we painted those as well to match my mug. We painted "Ellie Grace" on one and "Baby Girl" on the second since we STILL don't have a name picked out for this little one. I was tempted to put "Ruby" in quotes because our niece Isabelle has decided that's her cousin's name, and it would be funny to document that, but we couldn't commit to that. Yes, we are still waiting for inspiration for the name of our new little girl. We ended the family day with dinner at a local vegetarian Indian restaurant, and it was delicious.

All day today I've been impressed with how happy and patient my little one is. She ended up not taking a nap and no one would have guessed. She's been happy and joyful and spunky all day, and I found myself constantly looking at her, amazed at the little girl she's becoming, and the fun personality I see emerging. It's bittersweet to see her growing up and shedding her baby tendencies by the day. I had to look back to last year and compare pictures:

Kisses!

And then there was Mother's Day 2010 (I was 18 weeks pregnant):

Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful mothers out there. Special thoughts go to those of you who have a difficult time on a day celebrating mothers. And of course, A Very Special Happy Mother's Day to my mom and mother-in-law. We are blessed to have you in our lives!

On My Mind At The Moment:

-I'm mostly finished packing for my trip to Oregon tomorrow. It's 4:00 PM the day before and not midnight, which is my usual packing routine. It's a rare thing to be ahead of schedule with packing.

-I am mentally preparing for 60 degrees and rain in Oregon. It's supposed to be in the 80s and get up to 91 this weekend while I'm gone. Welcome, Spring in Fresno.

-Ellie and I are traveling to Oregon while Michael is flying to the Middle East to Jordan and Palestine. My grandparents are flying out from North Carolina. I'm excited for Ellie to meet her great-grandparents and can't wait to have a 4-generation picture.

-Here is a 5-generation picture from when I was little. Maybe someday I will have that again. (Crazy to think that would make me a grandmother!) Still, 4 is pretty good these days.

-I'm thankful for a two-hour direct flight from Fresno to Portland. I have a large, 30-week belly (that looks like I'm due sooner) and realize there's no way Ellie can sit in my lap and have the tray down. This will make for an interesting flight. I'm hoping for an empty seat next to me. Maybe my large belly will scare everyone around me on the flight.

-This week marks the 30-week point in my pregnancy. Yikes. 10 weeks to go. I've started going to the doctor every 2 weeks. I've also gained much more weight than I wanted. Oh well.

-This week also marks Ellie's half birthday. I can't believe my little baby is a year and a half. She is such a ham these days. She literally makes us laugh out loud and is developing such a funny, spunky personality. For example:

Ellie wanted to wear her pink skirt and a little while later I found her with her purple skirt trying to put it on Clifford. She is one funny girl.

-My favorite Ellie-isms lately have to do with her playing with her dolls (hopefully in preparation for helping with her baby sister?!) She loves to change their diapers, which includes finding her cloth wipes and the water spray to clean her baby, feeds them, rocks them and sings to them, pushes them around in her stroller, and is a good little mama to her babies.

-Ellie is my big helper and loves to help stir whatever is in the kitchen. I love getting her involved in the food preparation.

-Ellie still doesn't seem thrilled when I hold other babies, but is getting better. She's been more clingy lately and seems to want mommy a lot more. We think she senses that things are soon changing.

-I'm constantly wondering what life will be like with two. How will I give attention to both daughters? How is Ellie going to respond to all the changes? Am I ready for sleepless nights?

-We still have no name picked out for this baby girl. We have a short list of names we don't despise, but nothing jumps out at us and we can't seem to agree on names we like. This baby may not be named until we have to leave the hospital. (Sorry, family!) Actually, I really would love to have the name figured out so I could work on a few projects with her name. Maybe we will be inspired soon.

-I am trying to enjoy my time left with Ellie as an only child, but also anticipating with excitement our new addition. Life is just chugging away!

Disneyland

Last week we had the wonderful opportunity to take Ellie to Disneyland. She got to see two of her cousins, her aunt, and her grandpa, not to mention Dumbo. It was nice to have some family time together, and even though I couldn't go on most rides I had a blast seeing Ellie have fun on rides, signing "again" after rides like Dumbo and the Teacups.

Some of my favorite pictures and highlights from our trip:




In California Adventure they have the "A Bug's Life" area which is intended for Ellie's age. There was a fun water area that was definitely one of the highlights of the trip. She spent over an hour and a half just playing in the water.


Ellie loved the trains. She's saying"choo choo" here:


Family photos


Group picture

Cousins! Ellie loved her "buoys" (boys) and enjoyed spending time with her two older cousins.

My sister and I are both pregnant, although she is obviously due after me (I know, I look HUGE)!

We had a fun time in Disneyland and look forward to taking her again when she's older and can enjoy even more of the park.

Every Pregnancy is Different

I'm 27 weeks pregnant today which means I'm in the last week of my second trimester. The other day a friend said to me, "Your pregnancy is going by really fast for me." My reply: "It's going fast for me too!"

I can't help but compare this pregnancy with my last, and there are some definite differences:

-I'm so much more tired this time. It's true what they say, having a little one to chase around keeps me busy and doesn't allow for napping any time I want.

-I threw up every other night for 16 weeks with Ellie. I've only gotten that sick three times this pregnancy, but I am still nauseous at times, even at 27 weeks.

-This pregnancy is flying by, whereas the last one seemed to drag on. This could change in the third trimester.

-With my first full-term pregnancy, I was always very aware of being pregnant. This time, I go hours where I forget I'm pregnant, despite the huge belly attached to me. I don't have time for it to be as all-consuming, and before, I had a full-time job.

-I've gained less weight so far. With Ellie I gained 50 pounds! I have been able to exercise more and be more aware of my activity this time, despite being more tired. I'm certain I'm still going to be beyond the recommended weight gain of 25-35 pounds by the end. Oh well. I plan to lose it all again. (I turn 30 in December and want to try to run a half marathon before I exit my 20s). I've embraced the fact that my body is more susceptible to weight gain during pregnancy, and I refuse to stress about it. I just want a healthy baby.

-The first time around I was researching everything from car seats to birthing techniques to sleeping patterns before the positive pregnancy test was in the trash. This time, I haven't done anything except read my weekly updates about how my baby is growing. It helps that many of these things aren't nearly as intimidating the second time around.

-I took a picture of my growing belly almost every single week with the last pregnancy. I think we've taken two or three this time.


I'm 24 weeks in these pictures.

-I had a very specific birth plan with Ellie: no induction, no epidural, and especially no C-section. None of these worked out. This time, I have the same goals. I am hoping to have a VBAC, would like to try without an epidural, and don't have the option of being induced. (If I go a week past my due date I will go straight to a C-section). But, I feel like I am holding each of these more loosely this time. I simply want a healthy baby and whatever it takes to get her here is what I'll endure. (Side note: other parts of our birth plan were carried out, like no Hepatitis B shot in the hospital, delayed vaccinations, and no pacifier or formula given to Ellie.)

-With Ellie, Michael was my "pain management tool." He rubbed my back and helped me through each contraction that hit every few minutes for about 12 hours straight. Afterward, we both realized how hard it was on him mentally and physically, and we've talked about having someone else around to relieve his duties, be it a doula or someone else. Of course, we haven't even talked about those options yet for this pregnancy, but we will. (See Ellie's birth story here and here.)


-Because I'm not working a full-time job like last time (if you don't count being a stay-at-home mom), I have been able to get a few things done on my to-do list. With Ellie, we moved when I was 8 months pregnant so I didn't even attempt to set up her room until the last month of pregnancy.

I made a reversible car seat cover for our new little one, and it was a super fun project. This was my third one, and I think I get better with each one. (Here is my first and here is my second one).




I made more cloth wipes and pre-registered for the hospital. I've sorted through my newborn clothes to figure out what we need. Since this baby will be born in a different season than Ellie she will have slightly different clothing needs.

Items still on my to-do list:
-Do some major spring cleaning
-Redecorate and organize the girls' room-it's strange to not just call it Ellie's room anymore.
-Make curtains for living room and girls' room
-Keep scrapbooking Ellie's pages before her sister arrives
-Get more cloth diapers
-Figure out a double stroller system
-Figure out when to move Ellie to a toddler bed, sometime after the baby is born to give her time to adjust
-Figure out what other baby items we need for this baby
-Build Ellie a sandbox in our back yard
-Update our birth plan/think about a doula
-Pick out a name for this baby girl!
-Go on a Babymoon!! (Not sure if this will happen, but a girl can hope!)
-Soak up the time we have left as a family of three. I can't help but think that soon enough we will only faintly remember these 20 months with only one child.

Poor Elmo

It's not uncommon for me to take a shower at 2:00 in the afternoon. That's the time Ellie is down for a nap and often the first moment of the day for myself. Some days I end up showering while she's awake and playing, usually if we have somewhere to go.

We live in a tiny, two bedroom, one bathroom house (smaller than many apartments) so I'm comfortable showering, knowing Ellie is

A) almost always playing in the bathroom while I shower, or
B) only 5-10 feet away in the living room or her room playing

Last Friday I stepped into the hallway after a quick shower. I had probably been in the shower a total of five minutes. I stepped on something slimy and cold. It stuck to my toe. I peeled it off my foot and sniffed it. A black bean? Hmmm, that's weird. I took another step towards my bedroom. Another piece of goo stuck to my foot. Suddenly I had deja vu (this wasn't the first time) and I knew what this meant.

I heard Ellie playing in her room with a talking Elmo book. I quickly dried off as I was still dripping wet, threw some clothes on, and followed the trail. I grabbed a cloth and starting picking up the gobs of what I now knew to be poop.

The trail went from the living room to my bedroom, and across the hall to her room. Ellie was wearing pants that were only slightly damp. I kneeled on the floor to strip her down and my clean, just showered knee slipped on more goo. I found traces all along her leg, and into her sock and cute pink monkey slipper.

Somehow the talking Elmo book was a victim too. Yikes.

(In case you're wondering, "How does this even happen?" I will tell you I had been experimenting with Ellie's cloth diapers and snapped them a little looser than normal. At least I know the reason behind the mess, and can take the blame for it.)

I couldn't be 100% sure where Ellie had traveled in those few short minutes, so after a careful inspection all the carpets were vacuumed and wood floors mopped, and the bathroom was cleaned.

This was not a "fun" mommy moment. No person wants to take an hour out of the day to clean a trail of poop all over the house. It's these moments I'm reminded of the simple sacrifices we make as parents. This situation came just as I was reflecting on my previous post about whether I present parenthood as too perfect. Obviously, not everything about being a mom is glamorous.

Every parent will have some kind of story like this, some situation that was no fun and messy and stinky and just plain yucky. Recently we were telling a newly married couple about Ellie's middle-of-the-night throwing up escapade. They said every time they hear a story like this it makes them question becoming a parent. Do they really want to clean up poop or throw-up? No one does, but for every story like this I have twenty more of the amazing, joy-filled moments with my daughter that make these moments feel trivial. And, like I stated in my last post, those are the moments I prefer to share.